Dear Michigan
Dear Michigan,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. And I have some things I need to say to you.
I have come to the conclusion that you Michigan are one big cosmic do-over. A sort of scratch paper if you will. A big giant, huge, huger, giantess “whoops.”
It’s not that your winter is so bad. No if it was just cold and snow and ice and slippery roads and never ending flatness I could deal with that. The Michigan problem is the way you take a perverted pleasure in torturing me. I can’t take any more of your game of, “Hey it’s spring get out your shorts. Just kidding! It’s still winter and now you are sick.”
And your other joke isn’t any better, and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. Your whole, “Hey it’s Winter get out your parka and boots and scarf and gloves and long johns so you can be warm. Just kidding! Oh hey did you notice you are sweating like a fat kid working the fries at Burger King?” Yeah funny joke Michigan. Ha ha ha. You are really clever. NOW CUT IT OUT!
What have I done? Michigan what was I thinking moving to you? Why did I ever make fun of all the geezers who moved down to Florida for the winter? Please wise, old citizens forgive me for all the jokes I made about your expense at a sound level that I knew you couldn’t hear.
Oh death whose name art March in Michigan please stop tormenting me! What have I ever done to you? What was it that made you hate me so? What was it that inspired you to make it beautiful and 65 one day and 22 with four inches of snow the next?
Was it the spandex that I on to go bike riding that offended you? Were you angered by the joy that sprang up in my heart when I let myself believe your cold icy press on nails of winter been removed for good?
Whatever I did to displease you Michigan I don’t deserve this. So what if I ran away to the warm embrace of Mexico for a week, that is still no reason to great me with this cold icy mother in-law kiss of hate. Mexico was just a friend. Am I not allowed to have friends? I hate to break it to you but I have been with other states. You aren’t my first, and after the way you have treated me recently I can grantee you won’t be my last.
Look, call me a tramp, call me a home state whore, call me whatever want just bring back the sun and take away this cold white poop you call snow. Please! PLEASE!
I have gone for three years telling people that you weren’t that bad Michigan. I swear I didn’t complain about you behind your back. But this is just too much. These seasonal “Just Kiddings” AREN’T FUNNY. You snow, and then you get warm and melt it all, then you rain, then you freeze everything in sight, then you snow some more, then you melt it all and then you do it all over again and over again and over again. This isn’t how you treat the people you are supposed to care about.
You aren’t Alaska, you aren’t Texas, you don’t have to be a jerk about your weather. Just be nice, that is all I am asking. Is that really too much?
Well anyway that is all I have to say. I hope that this all didn’t just make you madder. I am sorry if I hurt you, I just had to get this off my chest. Who knows maybe now that it is out in the air we will both feel better.
Oh yeah, and I am sorry you found out that I am probably going to hook up with your cousin Maryland, but hey if you had been nicer it might be different.
Dear Michigan,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. And I have some things I need to say to you. I have come to the conclusion that you Michigan are one big cosmic do-over. A sort of scratch paper if you will. A big giant, huge, huger, giantess “whoops.” It’s not that your winter is so bad. No if it was just cold and snow and ice and slippery roads and never ending flatness I could deal with that. The Michigan problem is the way you take a perverted pleasure in torturing me. I can’t take any more of your game of, “Hey it’s spring get out your shorts. Just kidding! It’s still winter and now you are sick.” And your other joke isn’t any better, and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. Your whole, “Hey it’s Winter get out your parka and boots and scarf and gloves and long johns so you can be warm. Just kidding! Oh hey did you notice you are sweating like a fat kid working the fries at Burger King?” Yeah funny joke Michigan. Ha ha ha. You are really clever. NOW CUT IT OUT! What have I done? Michigan what was I thinking moving to you? Why did I ever make fun of all the geezers who moved down to Florida for the winter? Please wise, old citizens forgive me for all the jokes I made about your expense at a sound level that I knew you couldn’t hear. Oh death whose name art March in Michigan please stop tormenting me! What have I ever done to you? What was it that made you hate me so? What was it that inspired you to make it beautiful and 65 one day and 22 with four inches of snow the next? Was it the spandex that I on to go bike riding that offended you? Were you angered by the joy that sprang up in my heart when I let myself believe your cold icy press on nails of winter been removed for good? Whatever I did to displease you Michigan I don’t deserve this. So what if I ran away to the warm embrace of Mexico for a week, that is still no reason to great me with this cold icy mother in-law kiss of hate. Mexico was just a friend. Am I not allowed to have friends? I hate to break it to you but I have been with other states. You aren’t my first, and after the way you have treated me recently I can grantee you won’t be my last. Look, call me a tramp, call me a home state whore, call me whatever want just bring back the sun and take away this cold white poop you call snow. Please! PLEASE! I have gone for three years telling people that you weren’t that bad Michigan. I swear I didn’t complain about you behind your back. But this is just too much. These seasonal “Just Kiddings” AREN’T FUNNY. You snow, and then you get warm and melt it all, then you rain, then you freeze everything in sight, then you snow some more, then you melt it all and then you do it all over again and over again and over again. This isn’t how you treat the people you are supposed to care about. You aren’t Alaska, you aren’t Texas, you don’t have to be a jerk about your weather. Just be nice, that is all I am asking. Is that really too much? Well anyway that is all I have to say. I hope that this all didn’t just make you madder. I am sorry if I hurt you, I just had to get this off my chest. Who knows maybe now that it is out in the air we will both feel better. Oh yeah, and I am sorry you found out that I am probably going to hook up with your cousin Maryland, but hey if you had been nicer it might be different.
